When I first became a mum, it wasnt easy. Specially when Abg cried most of his infant days. And my anger was still uncontrollable and unmanageable.
I would scream at him when he refuses to sleep :'(.. I only cared about myself. I would put him on the cot and deafened myself pretending he wasnt there. But when his cries got too loud to be ignored, I yelled at him til he was quite for a while and then fell asleep. I would curse, cry, begged for him to sleep. When I cry during my doa, Abg would be in silence. It was like he knew I was tired and I needed the rest. But it wasnt like this everyday.
There wasnt a day go by that I would imagine throwing him on the walls so that he would shut up. Or put a pillow on his face and suffocate him to death I imagine blood spattered everywhere. Let me tell you something, everytime I cursed and yelled at him, he would look at me with fear. Those feared eyes of his reminded me of how I looked at dad. I dont want him to go through the same thing I did. I want my kids to be open with me. No matter the situation.
My daily fear was being left alone with Abg. I was afraid of hurting him. But Alhamdulillah, til this day I managed to control my actions, but fail to control my words and tone.
When I cant control Abg's cries, I would mock the satans for disturbing my baby. Why? Cause most of the time Abg would look at one specific place or corner and cry hysterically. I would go to that spot, point my middle finger and tell whatever is there, to fuck off and find else where to show off them ugly bitching faces!! And abg would be calm again.
I recorded most of abg's infant days so that I can watch it back and know which part of me that needs fixing so that it wont effect mother son relationship. Those days were horrible. I regretted every word.
Abg still cries now. But he's almost 3 years old and I've learned to appreciate him most. And he is a fast learner and very understanding. When he sees me crying, he would hug me and gently tap my back :').
Now, Every time he sleeps, I would not miss my chance to kiss him and whisper to him how much I love him and his baby sister and how sorry I am for mistreating him when he was a baby. I try not to yell at him when he makes mistakes. Yes sometimes it slips but I never delay my apologies.
Abg never got the chance to breastfeed as long as adik. His only lasted for 2 month after finding out I was pregnant with Adra. I dont want him to feel and be distance from me. Cause I'm the eldest, like him, I took alot of beating growing up. I dont want him to go through most the beating the way I did. And I dont want Adra to disrespect him as the eldest like how my siblings are towards me. It hurts. And it brings you down and thickens your walls and raises your guard. Even to families.
Adra on the other hand is less hassle. Grows up beautifully Alhamdulillah . . And I will make sure Abg takes good care of her. She is feisty but she is gonna need it growing up in a selfish society.
I learned alot growing up just by observing how the family behaves towards one another. I just hope it doesnt overshadows my way of disciplining and building my own family.
I would scream at him when he refuses to sleep :'(.. I only cared about myself. I would put him on the cot and deafened myself pretending he wasnt there. But when his cries got too loud to be ignored, I yelled at him til he was quite for a while and then fell asleep. I would curse, cry, begged for him to sleep. When I cry during my doa, Abg would be in silence. It was like he knew I was tired and I needed the rest. But it wasnt like this everyday.
There wasnt a day go by that I would imagine throwing him on the walls so that he would shut up. Or put a pillow on his face and suffocate him to death I imagine blood spattered everywhere. Let me tell you something, everytime I cursed and yelled at him, he would look at me with fear. Those feared eyes of his reminded me of how I looked at dad. I dont want him to go through the same thing I did. I want my kids to be open with me. No matter the situation.
My daily fear was being left alone with Abg. I was afraid of hurting him. But Alhamdulillah, til this day I managed to control my actions, but fail to control my words and tone.
When I cant control Abg's cries, I would mock the satans for disturbing my baby. Why? Cause most of the time Abg would look at one specific place or corner and cry hysterically. I would go to that spot, point my middle finger and tell whatever is there, to fuck off and find else where to show off them ugly bitching faces!! And abg would be calm again.
I recorded most of abg's infant days so that I can watch it back and know which part of me that needs fixing so that it wont effect mother son relationship. Those days were horrible. I regretted every word.
Abg still cries now. But he's almost 3 years old and I've learned to appreciate him most. And he is a fast learner and very understanding. When he sees me crying, he would hug me and gently tap my back :').
Now, Every time he sleeps, I would not miss my chance to kiss him and whisper to him how much I love him and his baby sister and how sorry I am for mistreating him when he was a baby. I try not to yell at him when he makes mistakes. Yes sometimes it slips but I never delay my apologies.
Abg never got the chance to breastfeed as long as adik. His only lasted for 2 month after finding out I was pregnant with Adra. I dont want him to feel and be distance from me. Cause I'm the eldest, like him, I took alot of beating growing up. I dont want him to go through most the beating the way I did. And I dont want Adra to disrespect him as the eldest like how my siblings are towards me. It hurts. And it brings you down and thickens your walls and raises your guard. Even to families.
Adra on the other hand is less hassle. Grows up beautifully Alhamdulillah . . And I will make sure Abg takes good care of her. She is feisty but she is gonna need it growing up in a selfish society.
I learned alot growing up just by observing how the family behaves towards one another. I just hope it doesnt overshadows my way of disciplining and building my own family.
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