.Nostalgic Gift.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Baba for the watch gift.. 

So nostalgic just looking at it. It reminds me of arwah Ayah.. AlFatihah.. semoga Ayah bahagia and tenang di sna bersama org2 beriman..

And thank you again baba! Semoga Allah swt murahkan rezeki kt sekeluarga.. Aamiin..

.Happy 34th Birthday, Dira.

Alhamdulillah, this year Ive received all the things that I want.. Thank you Allah swt..

1. Malbatt Movie

2. Samsung Flip Z5

3. Casio watch similar to Ayah's

Semoga aku berubah menjadi lebih baik di masa akan datang. Semoga Allah kuatkan and tetapkan iman aku. Dan semoga dimurahkan rezeki slalu. Aamiin..

.Feisty Zombie.

Sejak budak² demam and then sambung pulak Sahey demam the past few weeks, I havent gotten any rest at all. 

Now my body is just aching and my mind is half awake. So most of the time Im unaware of what Im doing. Not to mention how moody Ive been all these weeks cause my brain cant accept any noise or voice interruption from anyone. Every small call is a trigger 😭.

Forgive me, Familia 😢.

.Worn Out.

Sometimes I tend to look the other way when I myself know Im already burnt-out. Its easy when you're so used to pushing yourself little by little until you meet the edge, and you jump. And when I jump, life gets messy with the husband and the kids.

And then Im back to my suicidal state like back in high school.

Its exhausting. 

But I just keep on going for the kids. 

Cause I know if I stop now, no one's gonna pick up from there on.

My kids are always up to help me out but I have trust issues. I have standard issues. I dont even know if its OCD or some other behavioural disorder shit that Im not aware of. But Id prefer I have it done myself.

I need a break. I need a holiday. I need my me day.

.People Like You and Me.

Kadang2 it saddens me.

I am more of my father. He’s been my idol for so long despite his tempers and harsh words. Tough love. Him from his father, and me from my father. But there’s good in him. And somehow I have been observing and criticizing his bad side for too long, that it affected me. And hurting the people I love most.

I wish I could tell my hubby and my kids and Afiq to not let my words get through to their heart. They keep telling me to change myself. Truth is, I have tried so hard. I took their advice, I kept myself away, I kept words to myself, I tried it all. But the more I control, the more I contain myself, the bigger the blow,  when one small thing triggers that wrong side of my feeling at the wrong time.

With people like me and ayah, everyone needs to build sound proof walls around them. But even so, judging from my experience, no matter how thick and how good those sound proof walls are, you still get hurt. Cause you try to tell something to their face, the truth maybe, but they can’t hear you. Cause all they hear is themselves. That’s what our father daughter relationship is like. And ever since I have my own family, my own home, I’ve become the problem. And everyone’s either afraid to talk to me, or making distance away from me. And life starts to get lonely even when you tell yourself you’re gonna make this right tomorrow. But deep down, you know that you’re too close to too late.

It hurts. It really hurts.

People like me and dad, we think we have got it all figured out what’s best for everyone, but we forget to ask those people’s opinion when we made decisions that was suppose to be theirs. Cause people like me and dad, we’re afraid to watch others fail and regret later in life.

Atleast dad’s a better and successful loser than I am .

I only pray that who I am, better not screw up my marriage and my kids life. Aamiin..

.That 1 Night.

I remember this one night.

I was sulking and rebelling in my room cause mom and dad made last minute change of mind after agreeing to let me join a camp held by school. I was so pissed. I didnt get out of my room. I didnt eat. I didnt make a sound. I didnt turn on the light. And there was no loud music blasting.

Too silence means theres something wrong. Cause usually I would make a scene.

So that night, mom unlocked my door with a spare key.

I remember her hugging me and I felt tears down my cheek. But I still there still pretending to be asleep. And she was still crying when she said,

"Ibu ayah mntk maaf. Ayah bg pergi tp ibu xbg. Bkn ibu xnk bg dira pergi camp tu. Tp ayah cme ade RM10 je dlm bank. Ayah tgh xde duet nk bg dira mkn kalau dira pergi camp. Ibu mntk maaf sgt kt dira... Ade rezeki nnt ibu bg dira pergi ye nak.. Ibu syg dira..."

And I guess she must have thought I was asleep. She kissed me, walked out slowly and locked the door.

That night, it was like Allah swt was trying to tell me to have mercy on my parents cause not everything I want, I'll get. And not everything that doesnt go my way, needs to have a reason, specially when its my parents.

The next day, I was back to normal.

Later that week, I found out that dad used his savings to pay off a large amount of credit card debts so that he could terminate it for good and before more problem piles up cause he still had few credit cards to settle.

I cant explain how that truth made me felt about the day I rebelled over some stupid camp.

I promised myself that Id never trouble their money again. I never signed up for any camps. And I kept myself isolated from friends so that I dont feel the need to join them hanging out at some malls and have expensive lunch together.

Thank you Allah swt for that 1 night you gave me, that 1 night that taught me that I should always be grateful with whatever I have and whatever that I cant have. :).

.Messed Up.

Its been a week of exhaustion . .

The only time I get to sleep is between hour 8am to 9.30am amd 5pm to 6.30pm . . As for the rest of the hour, I am either wide awake or a walking zombie !

No sleep at all !!! Even during midnight til morning . Penat !

Losing appetite . Losing sleep . Losing energy . The kids have completely turned my days upside down . Smpai mood nk masak pn da xde !!!!!!!!!!

Ble nk tdo je budak2 nages . Ble nk rehat je budak2 gadoh . Ble nk buat keje rumah ke budak2 mntk buat hal . Ble nk masak je adra mntk dukung !!!! Sakit kepala ! Im already stressed out cause abg only eats rice 1 spoon a day (IF IM LUCKY!!) .

HE DOESNT EAT ANYTHING OTHER THAN MILK! I HAVE TO FORCE HIM TO EAT! IT WORRIES ME!!!!!! I WANT HIM TO BE HEALTHY! ALLAH HAIII .

Im gonna have a long break on Sahey's day off ! I am gonna make sure of it !!!

.Sleepless Nights.

No, I am not complaining, but these sleepless nights are really taking toll on my face and my emotions.

I feel so moody in day and night. I get so upset when I see others sleep so peacefully and not offering a helping hand in the night cause there is no one in the night except me..

So I kept myself sane, steady and calm by reminding myself that this is what my mother went through raising me up specially when I was a hardcore cryer back then and plus my mom had a job. How and where she got all those energy to go through each day half alive :'(.. I love you mom..

I'm such a loser. I cant even handle myself, how am I gonna handle my little baby :(..

Haihhh sabar Nadhirah Rosli...

Subhanallah (33x) , Alhamdulillah (3x) and Allahuakbar (33x) before sleep for another day's energy to be a wife and a mom..
Aamiin aamiin aamiin...

.Fever.

Since the whole house is down with fever, haihhh, ape lg.. First my baby's temperature went high and he went down with cold, now I'm down with cold as well.

My whole body is freezing and the fan is not even on!

But Alhamdulillah Taufiq is getting better after that pill up in his ass! Mke selamba saja... Haha... More active than this morning too.. :).. I love you baby...!

Rindu kt sayang saya :(.. Gaduh besar 2 days ago and I cant find the mood to start a conversation yet cause it was his fault.

Semoga Allah s.w.t. sentiasa lindungi and jaga suami aku, murahkan, lapangkan and dekatkan rezeki die, hapuskan hutang2 die and sentiasa berkati hidup amalan and ilmu die :').. Aamiin... Begitu juga dengan keluarga, keturunan and kawan2 kami... Semoga kau ampunkan dosa-dosa kami Ya Allah Ya Tuhan kami..

Aamiin aamiin aamiin... :)..

.Miss You So Much.

The title says it all!

.Mama and Taufiq.

It took me hours to figure how to put him to sleep since I've tried everything and none worked for him.

So finally I decided to lay him on my chest while I lay my back on the pillow so both could sleep. And it worked. For an hour or two but enough to refresh myself..

.Happy Birthday Naddie.

Thank you syg for the birthday wishes and for the birthday cake..

And thank you daddy for the Grab and Wrap present ")..

And most of all, thank you Allah s.w.t for my healthy newborn son, Taufiq, for my families and for my husband and good friends :)..

All the best people in my life..

Alhamdulillah..

So Happy 24th Birthday Naddy :)..

.Gastric Heartburn.

I never thought I'd felt that painful dying feeling of gastric + heartburn again until today morning! And today, it happened twice. And I have a feeling that its not over yet.

But Alhamdulillah I wasn't hospitalized on my birthday ")..

Honestly, you would not want to wish for this ache.

.Visiting Day.

Salam everyone..

Syukur Alhamdulillah, even at this stage, I managed to be mentally and physically strong to do things on my own even with these stitches..

So far, I manage to:
- go toilet, bath and clean myself
- get up and get in bed
- carry and feed Taufiq
- walk around slowly

And stuffs..

Today is visiting day.. And tomorrow too I bet.. Belah ayah, belah sahey and friends from school and college came to visit baby Taufiq :).. Alhamdulillah rezeki pn dapat :).. Rezeki baby :)..

And now, time for me to rest.. Breastfeeding time soon!

Goodnight..

.Worst Gastric and Heartburn!.

Yesterday at around 11.30pm, I had trouble breathing. My breathing hurt so bad that I felt like squeezing my heart out.

So mom dad drove me to QHC and I got hospitalized for a day. It was a bad gastric and heartburn!

But Alhamdulillah after that injection on the right side of my butt, I dozed off to sleep.

Got discharged at around 12pm and cost RM500 for that 1 day!

Honestly, it felt like the end of my life. Alhamdulillah I was given another chance.. Aamiin...

.Ya Allah, Guide Us, Parents-To-Be.

Hello Anonymous...

Anonymous..? I've always named myself Anonymous..

Anyways,
Lately, I've been comparing myself with mom.. And then wandering in deep thoughts...

What if I'm not as good of a mom as my mom is..? What if I fail to give my child the right education and religion :'(..? What if I fail to guide my child..? What if, what if, too many what ifs!!!

Ya Allah Ya Rab'bi, guide me and Sahey to guide our child :'(.. To be a better Muslimin/Muslimah...

.My Mother's-To-Be Present.

Sebenarnye... Sebenarnye..

Hahahahahaha!!!!

Sebenarnye, kita dapat present for Mother's Day dari Mr. Teddy (Sayang, the family calls him that).. I guess its a Mother-To-Be present from him hahaha...

Kita ..... Kita ....... Kita dapat ....

"Samsung Tab 2 7.0" , hehehe....

Yahuuuuuu.....

Thank you sayang :)... Love you so much :')...

- Roger and Out -

^^ ...