Warning: Please stop up till here if this post is not in your interest.
Let me start by saying, I've been the black sheep in the family ever since I learned to think and rebel for what I wanted. I have sins piled up on my shoulder and its really burdening my heart. Even if it was easy to know if others really did forgave and forget what you did in the past, it still wouldn't make me feel half the relief that I wish to feel. It still wouldn't make me feel like I'm any closer to heaven's lowest level door.
Even if I've changed now, I still sit and flashback to all the shit things I put my family through.. Regrets can't grow apart from me. Regrets put me down. Regrets kept me reminded of all unfortunate things that I am.
To Mom and Dad:
I am sorry I've put a lot of mess in your lives. From Africa right up to Malaysia. I remember trying to poison my parents food cause I feel such disgrace and hatred towards them for not letting me have my dream. I remember trying to kill myself so that my parents would feel so much regret in themselves so that they would suicide. I remember trying to flip the car I was driving when dad was busy mocking me at the passenger seat. I remember dad threw a plate on my head, and it broke to half, cause he simply accused me of starting a fight. I remember dad calling me names cause he never investigated what I was doing in the middle of a sibling fight. I remember wanting to beat mom so bad cause she screamed and beat me up so much. I remember running away from home for so long cause they hurt me in that one spot I thought they'd never touch. And that was the only time I had the courage to speak out freely cause they were not in front of me. Via SMS. Pathetic, I know.
Dad cast this huge shadow of what I should have been upon me. It was so heavy of "dad's dream and not mine" that I could not lift it so I just let it tumble upon me. I just let him took over everything in my life. And there was nothing that I could stood up for without him in between, so I turned to an emergency escape exit. Mom was suppose to be an angel that listens and stands by me, but because dad was stronger, I lost that fight and I was just so angry she left me fighting alone. She was suppose to be my friend cause at school, I never liked socializing. Kids are so loud and immature. But that was then, when the world was younger.
This war lasted for so long that it finally ended after I got married. I guess out of all the failures that I am, I finally got married.
Truth is, at first, there was an agenda to my marriage which involves marrying, getting a child, killing the first born and making the whole family feel so miserable and pathetic (cause I know its what they want and I wanted to take that happiness away from them). Because I hated first born. It reminds me so much of dad, and myself. But after a while, I got to learn things about taking care of the ones you love most. And all that shit was no more. And I guess that's why Allah s.w.t is not, I don't know (sigh).. I guess that's why I am not pregnant yet. Cause Allah s.w.t. knows my mentality. But I'm praying I'm a changed person now.
To Nabbie:
I was never a good older sister example to you, I'm sorry... I remember beating you up, hitting your head on the wall, giving you the punch of your life, and just taking your school money away at lunch time just cause I spent mine out on some drawing stationary tools. I'm sorry for all the pain you had to go though. I'm sorry for all the bruises I gave you. And I remember so long time ago when we were kids, I broke mom's favorite vase, and pointed fingers to you, and you were so innocent taking that blame. And I didn't know you'd get beat up that bad over a vase. I'm sorry :(..
To Nonnie and Syikin:
I never really put that much attention to you girls cause I felt we were so different. I'm sorry.. But that was back then. I've learnt that different or not, by blood, we're the same, and now I'm learning to listen and help you get through shit times at college and school and home.. I'm sorry in the past, I never stood by you when you needed a sister to be there :(..
To Afiq:
I don't have much argument with you cause I don't want you to feel left out just cause you were the only boy. That's why I gave so much attention to you even when I don't show it. I want to say sorry still for beating you up and breaking your glasses.. :(..
I fight for my sanity everyday. Specially when I'm alone.
Now that I have a husband to take care, it woke me up to realizing, I should not be bias or injustice knowing that if I could take care of a stranger, I should take care of my family just the same. And I know its never too late to change even when there's no way of pleasing my regrets so that it would just go away forever.
To my family, I'm sorry. And I hope Allah s.w.t. is still giving me and us the chance to right back what went wrong back then. In Syaa Allah.. Amin amin amin.
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