.Memory Lane Again.

Its that time of the year again. Ayah's passing day is just round the corner and its also around this time of the month I suddenly find myself looking through old photos of the family.

Ya Allah, it breaks my heart to realize how life used to be simple even with all the fights going around. Now I find myself straying away from the Subang family. Just running away from something. Padahal inside, I miss them but I just keep telling myself that everyone dies someday so its better if I dont get myself too attached to them. Or I'll end up like how I am now. Running away from guilt of not spending enough time while they're alive. What is this sickness.

Assalamualaikum Ayah.. Hows it been where you are.. I know you're not gone.. You're just somewhere unreachable but I'll see you again someday Ayah.. I hope you know that I cant get myself to delete your contact. When its there, I feel like you're still close to me. I tried calling you few times but it goes to voicemail. Im glad. Im glad no one is using your number :'). Though it would have been nice if the voicemail was your voice. I miss your voice.. But Alhamdulillah, Im glad I didnt delete the photos that I promised myself to delete it. Just couldnt get around to do it. And I dont regret it even if it pains me to see the photos play inside my head. Ayah, I keep saying this I'll keep on saying it.. Forgive me for not being there for you during you last days. Forgive me for not making time to be around you when I had the time and money. Forgive me Ayah. Aamiin...

You're strong Dira.. You'll make it through this month like the last time. 

.It's Torture.

Today it rained.

I was sitting at the front door and just watched it rained. I was hoping to see Ayah at the gate. Trying to manipulate my head.

Its torture living here.

Back at JB, I would only be reminded of Ayah atleast once a week. Sometimes I completely forgot that Ayah has passed away. But here, its different. Reality hits like shit and everyday I'm just thinking of Ayah. So you can imagine the mood Im facing everyday.

If my friend who's father has passed for so many years, and still she has not gotten over the passing, I can't imagine how long it's gonna take me to get over Ayah's passing. 

Its driving me nuts inside. Specially with Sahey not around. I'm starting to forget what its like to have a husband around. The 2 important men in my life are not around. :(.

.That 1 Night.

I remember this one night.

I was sulking and rebelling in my room cause mom and dad made last minute change of mind after agreeing to let me join a camp held by school. I was so pissed. I didnt get out of my room. I didnt eat. I didnt make a sound. I didnt turn on the light. And there was no loud music blasting.

Too silence means theres something wrong. Cause usually I would make a scene.

So that night, mom unlocked my door with a spare key.

I remember her hugging me and I felt tears down my cheek. But I still there still pretending to be asleep. And she was still crying when she said,

"Ibu ayah mntk maaf. Ayah bg pergi tp ibu xbg. Bkn ibu xnk bg dira pergi camp tu. Tp ayah cme ade RM10 je dlm bank. Ayah tgh xde duet nk bg dira mkn kalau dira pergi camp. Ibu mntk maaf sgt kt dira... Ade rezeki nnt ibu bg dira pergi ye nak.. Ibu syg dira..."

And I guess she must have thought I was asleep. She kissed me, walked out slowly and locked the door.

That night, it was like Allah swt was trying to tell me to have mercy on my parents cause not everything I want, I'll get. And not everything that doesnt go my way, needs to have a reason, specially when its my parents.

The next day, I was back to normal.

Later that week, I found out that dad used his savings to pay off a large amount of credit card debts so that he could terminate it for good and before more problem piles up cause he still had few credit cards to settle.

I cant explain how that truth made me felt about the day I rebelled over some stupid camp.

I promised myself that Id never trouble their money again. I never signed up for any camps. And I kept myself isolated from friends so that I dont feel the need to join them hanging out at some malls and have expensive lunch together.

Thank you Allah swt for that 1 night you gave me, that 1 night that taught me that I should always be grateful with whatever I have and whatever that I cant have. :).

.Half of The Story.

When I first became a mum, it wasnt easy. Specially when Abg cried most of his infant days. And my anger was still uncontrollable and unmanageable.

I would scream at him when he refuses to sleep :'(.. I only cared about myself. I would put him on the cot and deafened myself pretending he wasnt there. But when his cries got too loud to be ignored, I yelled at him til he was quite for a while and then fell asleep. I would curse, cry, begged for him to sleep. When I cry during my doa, Abg would be in silence. It was like he knew I was tired and I needed the rest. But it wasnt like this everyday.

There wasnt a day go by that I would imagine throwing him on the walls so that he would shut up. Or put a pillow on his face and suffocate him to death I imagine blood spattered everywhere. Let me tell you something, everytime I cursed and yelled at him, he would look at me with fear. Those feared eyes of his reminded me of how I looked at dad. I dont want him to go through the same thing I did. I want my kids to be open with me. No matter the situation.

My daily fear was being left alone with Abg. I was afraid of hurting him. But Alhamdulillah, til this day I managed to control my actions, but fail to control my words and tone.

When I cant control Abg's cries, I would mock the satans for disturbing my baby. Why? Cause most of the time Abg would look at one specific place or corner and cry hysterically. I would go to that spot, point my middle finger and tell whatever is there, to fuck off and find else where to show off them ugly bitching faces!! And abg would be calm again.

I recorded most of abg's infant days so that I can watch it back and know which part of me that needs fixing so that it wont effect mother son relationship. Those days were horrible. I regretted every word.

Abg still cries now. But he's almost 3 years old and I've learned to appreciate him most. And he is a fast learner and very understanding. When he sees me crying, he would hug me and gently tap my back :').

Now, Every time he sleeps, I would not miss my chance to kiss him and whisper to him how much I love him and his baby sister and how sorry I am for mistreating him when he was a baby. I try not to yell at him when he makes mistakes. Yes sometimes it slips but I never delay my apologies.

Abg never got the chance to breastfeed as long as adik. His only lasted for 2 month after finding out I was pregnant with Adra. I dont want him to feel and be distance from me. Cause I'm the eldest, like him, I took alot of beating growing up. I dont want him to go through most the beating the way I did. And I dont want Adra to disrespect him as the eldest like how my siblings are towards me. It hurts. And it brings you down and thickens your walls and raises your guard. Even to families.

Adra on the other hand is less hassle. Grows up beautifully Alhamdulillah . . And I will make sure Abg takes good care of her. She is feisty but she is gonna need it growing up in a selfish society.

I learned alot growing up just by observing how the family behaves towards one another. I just hope it doesnt overshadows my way of disciplining and building my own family.

.Seri Malaysia Hotel.

Someone like me can get really emotionally unstable when left alone for too long or kept away from loved ones..

Today, Sahey went off for work and later then I sent Noni for work. On my way back to apartment, I would always pass by Sri Malaysia Hotel. And lately, I've been crying alot whenever I pass by that hotel. It reminds me of memories when mom and dad would drive me all the way to Johor Bahru just cause bus drivers these days are full of sick selfish attitudes. And so we spent 2 days at Sri Malaysia in the same room and would talk and laugh about things and eat breakfast lunch and dinner just the 3 of us :').. They even accompanied me to my interview.. And had dinner with sayang :)..

I know its nothing to most but honestly, I never felt so loved :).. And I haven't seen them for so long like a month or 2 long :'(.. I miss them so much..

In Syaa Allah, I pray Allah murahkan rezeki kami to visit Subang Jaya :).. Amin amin amin..