.Memory Lane Again.

Its that time of the year again. Ayah's passing day is just round the corner and its also around this time of the month I suddenly find myself looking through old photos of the family.

Ya Allah, it breaks my heart to realize how life used to be simple even with all the fights going around. Now I find myself straying away from the Subang family. Just running away from something. Padahal inside, I miss them but I just keep telling myself that everyone dies someday so its better if I dont get myself too attached to them. Or I'll end up like how I am now. Running away from guilt of not spending enough time while they're alive. What is this sickness.

Assalamualaikum Ayah.. Hows it been where you are.. I know you're not gone.. You're just somewhere unreachable but I'll see you again someday Ayah.. I hope you know that I cant get myself to delete your contact. When its there, I feel like you're still close to me. I tried calling you few times but it goes to voicemail. Im glad. Im glad no one is using your number :'). Though it would have been nice if the voicemail was your voice. I miss your voice.. But Alhamdulillah, Im glad I didnt delete the photos that I promised myself to delete it. Just couldnt get around to do it. And I dont regret it even if it pains me to see the photos play inside my head. Ayah, I keep saying this I'll keep on saying it.. Forgive me for not being there for you during you last days. Forgive me for not making time to be around you when I had the time and money. Forgive me Ayah. Aamiin...

You're strong Dira.. You'll make it through this month like the last time. 

.Until You've Realized It.

Kids will be kids.

They'll ruin that element of surprise you've been planning, they kick your sisters kids, they'll cry for sympathy cause they know they're not strong enough to fight you, they'll rebel to tell you you've embarrassed them, they'll try to seek refuge from other adults, and all those things that pisses you off.

Nothing annoys me more than kids trying to show who's the boss.

But you know, its those small things that softens my anger.

Moves like small knocks on the door "maklong, saya panas.. Bole x sy masuk..", that small scratch on the neck and back cause it itches, the fear in that innocent eyes telling me that Im scaring them, small approaches hoping Id understand its an apology, even that sting of small pinch on my hand telling me that they have feelings too.

And if that doesn't work, its as simple as walking away and not making eye contact until you realize they're just kids, and that you're not being rasional.

.Happy Birthday, Muhammad Afiq Rosli.

 Assalamualaikum,

Today is Afiq's birthday. I really want to celebrate his birthday today but don't have enough money to celebrate and buy a present for him, at the same time. So I decided to buy his presents and celebrate next week with Billa and family around.

Alhamdulillah, manage to find a seller to COD at Subang Jaya for Deadpool Wallet and Cap :). Its not much from me but I hope he uses it well.

Reminder:
I owe Ammie RM50..

My prayers for my little brother Muhammad Afiq Rosli,
Semoga sentiasa dimurahkan rezeki, sentiasa jg amalan dunia akhirat, dan tidak terlalu taksub ngan dunia filem.. Aamiin :D.

.It's Torture.

Today it rained.

I was sitting at the front door and just watched it rained. I was hoping to see Ayah at the gate. Trying to manipulate my head.

Its torture living here.

Back at JB, I would only be reminded of Ayah atleast once a week. Sometimes I completely forgot that Ayah has passed away. But here, its different. Reality hits like shit and everyday I'm just thinking of Ayah. So you can imagine the mood Im facing everyday.

If my friend who's father has passed for so many years, and still she has not gotten over the passing, I can't imagine how long it's gonna take me to get over Ayah's passing. 

Its driving me nuts inside. Specially with Sahey not around. I'm starting to forget what its like to have a husband around. The 2 important men in my life are not around. :(.

.Happy 62th Birthday, Ayah.

 

Selamat Hari Lahir, Ayah..

I know someday I'm gonna have to erase this date from my life cause I can't handle going through memories with you every time your birthday comes. Specially knowing that I haven't spend that much time with you.

Thank you Ayah.. For everything you've given me, for fighting for me when others badmouthed me, for loving me, for not judging me when Im at my worst. For everything..

I've misjudged you.

Maafkan Dira... 

Love you so much Ayah :')..

.People Like You and Me.

Kadang2 it saddens me.

I am more of my father. He’s been my idol for so long despite his tempers and harsh words. Tough love. Him from his father, and me from my father. But there’s good in him. And somehow I have been observing and criticizing his bad side for too long, that it affected me. And hurting the people I love most.

I wish I could tell my hubby and my kids and Afiq to not let my words get through to their heart. They keep telling me to change myself. Truth is, I have tried so hard. I took their advice, I kept myself away, I kept words to myself, I tried it all. But the more I control, the more I contain myself, the bigger the blow,  when one small thing triggers that wrong side of my feeling at the wrong time.

With people like me and ayah, everyone needs to build sound proof walls around them. But even so, judging from my experience, no matter how thick and how good those sound proof walls are, you still get hurt. Cause you try to tell something to their face, the truth maybe, but they can’t hear you. Cause all they hear is themselves. That’s what our father daughter relationship is like. And ever since I have my own family, my own home, I’ve become the problem. And everyone’s either afraid to talk to me, or making distance away from me. And life starts to get lonely even when you tell yourself you’re gonna make this right tomorrow. But deep down, you know that you’re too close to too late.

It hurts. It really hurts.

People like me and dad, we think we have got it all figured out what’s best for everyone, but we forget to ask those people’s opinion when we made decisions that was suppose to be theirs. Cause people like me and dad, we’re afraid to watch others fail and regret later in life.

Atleast dad’s a better and successful loser than I am .

I only pray that who I am, better not screw up my marriage and my kids life. Aamiin..

.He's Back. Alhamdulillah.

So Sahey's big surprise for me and the family finally arrived. It was HP ProOne 400 PC :).

Now I have a laptop and a PC! So the old PC, I am gonna send it for fixing and I am gonna give em to my sister. I think she needs it more than me needing the money after selling it away.

So I tried to make a book of my life. Like what dad is doing since forever. Guess what.
Turns out I suck in writing! Baru 1 muka surat and I deleted the whole thing. I feels like such a waste of time. I mean who wants to read about other people's life? Not me. And I doubt anyone would be interested to read it either.

I like doing assignments and work stuff. Cause there's a purpose and goal to it.
But writing about myself?? And my life?
I don't see the point. Keeping it to myself is a better option.

Afiq is back home.
Alhamdulillah.

After the big fight, I had this long deep thought to myself and I find myself realizing that I am not the kinda sister who have the heart to abandon my own siblings. Its just not me. I have been looking out for them since forever, I wont make an irrational decision to dump them now. I'm glad I had that conversation with myself as I cleaned his room and folded his shirts. I cant yell at someone to change to the better. I learned that there are more ways to do that. Even if it means being patient and being the example of who you want them to be.

I lack patience. Maybe this is how Allah swt wants to teach me.
By accepting other peoples flaw.
I was never good at that too. Specially the weak ones. Allah.

Enough.

I am just glad Afiq is where I am able to protect him.

Alhamdulillah.

.That 1 Night.

I remember this one night.

I was sulking and rebelling in my room cause mom and dad made last minute change of mind after agreeing to let me join a camp held by school. I was so pissed. I didnt get out of my room. I didnt eat. I didnt make a sound. I didnt turn on the light. And there was no loud music blasting.

Too silence means theres something wrong. Cause usually I would make a scene.

So that night, mom unlocked my door with a spare key.

I remember her hugging me and I felt tears down my cheek. But I still there still pretending to be asleep. And she was still crying when she said,

"Ibu ayah mntk maaf. Ayah bg pergi tp ibu xbg. Bkn ibu xnk bg dira pergi camp tu. Tp ayah cme ade RM10 je dlm bank. Ayah tgh xde duet nk bg dira mkn kalau dira pergi camp. Ibu mntk maaf sgt kt dira... Ade rezeki nnt ibu bg dira pergi ye nak.. Ibu syg dira..."

And I guess she must have thought I was asleep. She kissed me, walked out slowly and locked the door.

That night, it was like Allah swt was trying to tell me to have mercy on my parents cause not everything I want, I'll get. And not everything that doesnt go my way, needs to have a reason, specially when its my parents.

The next day, I was back to normal.

Later that week, I found out that dad used his savings to pay off a large amount of credit card debts so that he could terminate it for good and before more problem piles up cause he still had few credit cards to settle.

I cant explain how that truth made me felt about the day I rebelled over some stupid camp.

I promised myself that Id never trouble their money again. I never signed up for any camps. And I kept myself isolated from friends so that I dont feel the need to join them hanging out at some malls and have expensive lunch together.

Thank you Allah swt for that 1 night you gave me, that 1 night that taught me that I should always be grateful with whatever I have and whatever that I cant have. :).

.First Batch, Pregnant, CHECK.

Good news..

InsyaAllah, Me Billa and Noni are pregnant...

Well Noni needs to reconfirm pregnancy strip with KKM and get her Red Book.. Me and Billa Alhamdulillah already got our Red Book..

Me with my thrid, Billa with her second and Noni with her first.. InsyaAllah.. :)

Moms got a lot of work cut out for her early next year. I due on the February while Noni and Billa are probably on the same month, April... XD..

Owh well.. Alhamdulillah is all there is to say and InsyaAllah may Allah swt bless our pregnancy journey and our and our babies health.. Aamiin aamiin aamiin...

So unexpected hahah...

.Noni & Jarir.

Alhamdulillah, Noni's wedding went smoothly and a success :)..

Congratulations to Noni and Jarir, newly weds.. Belom abis wedding lg dorang da cabut Honeymoon kt hotel haha..

Thanks to those family and friends who came and prayed for them and the family. Apologies on behalf of the family for any lacks during the wedding. 

And now... 

My ideas.

Wallpapers , wallpapers , wallpapers.

You give me so many ideas!! Splended ideas! 

Thanks to this new Kaison wallpaper addiction of mine, I am already thinking of how to make use of these wallpapers besides sticking it on the wall or furniture~! Hehe :D.. RM19.90 for 1000cm of wallpaper per roll! Sape x gile with all the many vintage cute designs! 

So coming back for more! 

.Hello 2016.

Hello...

So I started writing diary back after a year of hiatus.

I find myself lost in search for past reference and unorganized. I am forgetful. No notes makes it very hard for me to recall things.

I miss Numan Abdulrahman bin Ahmad Najmi... My sister's son, thats who.. Abang loves kissing Numan and everytime he sees Numan's picture, he'd be like, "Baby.... Babyyy.....". He can be gentle to Numan but could not be gentle to his baby sister lol..

Noni's wedding is coming up next, InsyaAllah in few months to go.. Still havent sent my dress for tailoring. Gahhh!

Looking forward for February family holiday with the family at A Famosa Melaka.. Hopefully no one will spoil the holiday.

Time flies by so fast.

.Shitty Holiday.

3 days spent at Subang Jaya and another 3 days at Terengganu.. Fair enough :)..

Alhamdulillah no flood at Pulau Manis, just breezy rain all day.. And yea, pasal sume org degil ble aku kt jgn bawak anak2 aku main kt lua sal hujan, now Taufiq is having running nose, Adra sneezing most of the time and me, sama mcm Taufiq.

Geram nk mampos aku sal yg jg budak2 ni ble sakit, aku! Jd tlg la fhm ble aku kt jgn bawak kua!!!! Fed up aku ckp byk kali!! TAK PRIHATIN!!!!

Enough. Im gonna drop this shit. Sakit ati smpai skang!!!

And aku xske org tnjuk nek tgn kt anak2 aku!!! AKU XNEK TGN, SO NOBODY BOLE NEK TGN!!!

.Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2014.

Yes, I know its a little too late to wish Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, but I'll wish it anyways :)..

First til forth Raya at Terengganu and then the rest at Subang :).. Mom and dad's open house was a success Alhamdulillah but sad cause I didnt have time to talk to Ziela :'(.. Guilty sgt and I am really sorry for not being able to entertain you cause Sahey's cousin was around :(.. I will make it up to you InsyaAllah before I head back to JB :)..

Anyways, Taufiq received alot of duet Raya Alhamdulillah and so did Adik :).. Will open up Tabung Haji once I have his original birth certificate in my hands..

Raya pictures of Sahey me Taufiq and Adik (inside mama's big belly) :D..

.Subang Jaya, Selangor.

Semalam had a good night Journey back to JB...

Spent 3 days at Subang going out on a date with Ziela and my little family and splashing in small pool with my baby :) ... Taufiq really loves the water, just like his mama, hehe...

Sayang bought a lot of new clothes for him 0.0! No fair :(..

And the rest of the days were spent with my parents and siblings :)...

lnsya Allah will be back again Very soon :) Aamiin aamiin aamiin...

.Forgiven.

I have already forgiven you..

I just need to hear an apology to be able to start any conversation or a smile..

.Family Always Comes First.

Bukan xnk bertegur, but I think I deserve an apology first before starting any conversation, like nothing ever happened between us.

What did I ever said or do that offended you so badly that you had to wish me dead? Honestly, no matter how bad family offend each other, I dont think wishing em dead is necessary.

You need to grow up and set your priorities straight.

Family is all there is when there is nothing left.

I appreciate you missing me via Syikin..

.Half Shopping.

Me, Taufiq, parents and Ikin went to Subang Parade..

At first we were happily shopping.. Even bought 2 rompers for baby.. But then after shopping, baby started crying non stop and we had to head back home..

So in the end, mom and Taufiq managed to buy something while I head home empty handed :(.. Hurmm.... Maybe next time Naddy...

.Good News and Shitty News.

Its already 3 days mom dad are here and today, Noni just entered UTM to further here Degree in Urban Planning.. Goodluck with that..

Another good news is that Nabbie will be going for check up test and In Syaa Allah, she will pass it and get the job at SDMC :).. Aamiin..

Tomorrow is my pregnancy check-up appointment and also In Syaa Allah baby scan :).. Remind me to get a print copy of the scan hehe...

Shit news is Afiq's phone got stolen by his own course mate. Yea the phone I personally bought for him and he doesn't know how to look after it! Yes I am upset. Syikin jugak yg pandai hargai barang yang org len hadiahkan kt die.

Haihhh... Beratnye hati.. Semoga Kau lindungi and jaga suami aku slalu Ya Allah sepanjang die tiada di sisi and pandangan aku.. Aamiin aamiin aamiin..

.September.

Hubby is on night shift this week and next week :(.. Its 2 weeks of long lonely nights.. Haihhh..

I only have 1 month and few days to deliver.. Whoever is reading, please pray me hubby and baby make it through delivery and after delivery.. Safe and healthy.. Aamiin...

Good news is parents and Noni are probably coming tomorrow if not, 30th August :). Noni is finally going for her Degree this 1st of September :).. And plus Sayang's birthday is coming and In Syaa Allah, he will be on a 5 days holiday on that occasion :D..

I still have 2 more JB pregnancy check-up appointment. I dont know how many gazillion times I've mentioned the same thing. I just cant wait to get over with government appointments. I like their services but I just have issues with the slow progress of ticket numbers. In Syaa Allah next appointment would be baby scanning :).. Remind me to ask for a print out..

Semoga Allah s.w.t. murahkan rezeki kami sekeluarga.. Aamiin Aamiin Aamiin..

.Family Business.

If its the only thing I need to open up a Rosli family business after delivery, it would be Allah s.w.t and blessing, support and motivation from my husband and families.. Its all I need.

Ya Allah, grant my doa to open up family business to support my loving families..

Amin amin amin..