Kadang2 it saddens me.
I am more of my father. He’s been my idol for so long despite his tempers and harsh words. Tough love. Him from his father, and me from my father. But there’s good in him. And somehow I have been observing and criticizing his bad side for too long, that it affected me. And hurting the people I love most.
I wish I could tell my hubby and my kids and Afiq to not let my words get through to their heart. They keep telling me to change myself. Truth is, I have tried so hard. I took their advice, I kept myself away, I kept words to myself, I tried it all. But the more I control, the more I contain myself, the bigger the blow, when one small thing triggers that wrong side of my feeling at the wrong time.
With people like me and ayah, everyone needs to build sound proof walls around them. But even so, judging from my experience, no matter how thick and how good those sound proof walls are, you still get hurt. Cause you try to tell something to their face, the truth maybe, but they can’t hear you. Cause all they hear is themselves. That’s what our father daughter relationship is like. And ever since I have my own family, my own home, I’ve become the problem. And everyone’s either afraid to talk to me, or making distance away from me. And life starts to get lonely even when you tell yourself you’re gonna make this right tomorrow. But deep down, you know that you’re too close to too late.
It hurts. It really hurts.
People like me and dad, we think we have got it all figured out what’s best for everyone, but we forget to ask those people’s opinion when we made decisions that was suppose to be theirs. Cause people like me and dad, we’re afraid to watch others fail and regret later in life.
Atleast dad’s a better and successful loser than I am 
I only pray that who I am, better not screw up my marriage and my kids life. Aamiin..
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