.26th - 28th April 2016.

Its been 2 days now in Terengganu... Its hot here but Alhamdulillah the heat is acceptable.

26th April 2016 :
Arrival at Areena Batik Hotel, Kuantan. Nice hotel but we were at the wrong time cause the lift was broken, so there goes our cardio, up and down, Ground floor to FUCKING 3RD FLOOR!!!! MY THIGHS STILL SORE!!!!

So after lepak2, me and sahey and ahg adek, excluding Noni who was busy with assignment, went for dinner at Sara Thai Restaurant and went window shopping at uptown.. Ended the night with Bundle -.-.

27th April 2016 :
Check out! I almost lost our car key! Alhamdulillah baba found it near the hotel phone.

Arrive at Terengganu.. Alhamdulillah.. Headed to Mydin and few other shopping places to shop for toiletries and baby stuff. Bought Baba and abg's baju melayu yeaa....

Had dinner at Numan's place near the beach!!!

28th April 2016 :
Headed to this WASH&SAVE Laundry and fuck gile mahal nk mampos RM13 for a 13kg wash and dry!!!!! The highest I've come across so far pn bru RM10.50, and that was at JB, the most high cost living place in Malaysia as far as I'm aware of!!! And it was for 14kg wash and murah!! Sohai! I AM NEVER WASHING MY STUFF AT THAT PLACE EVER!!!!! DA LA DRYER X DRY ALL THE CLOTHES!!!

Then we headed to Manjaku baby store and bought Adra another dress :D.. And I bought Numan a set of smart wears too!!! I hope they like it :).. I really miss that little pumpkin :')..

Owh ya went to Suyi's to have my kain and abg's pants altered..

InsyaAllah Subang Family will arrive tomorrow along with Fitri.. :).. Cannot wait to see all of em :)..

.Last Minute Prep.

Memandang kan saya anta baju tuk kawen Noni lambat, naseb nye baju ready on the 13th April kata aunty tu :(.. A day before Noni kawen..

Haihhh.. Harap2 there wont be a problem on that Jubah cause there wont be anymore time left to alter..

Naseb la ade Pn Fariza tu nk amik and she sounds professional in what she does..

Aamiin aamiin aamiin..

Nervous pulak aku..

.Dreams Dreams.

These dreams of mine are getting weirder and way out of hand.

Last night, I panicked. I'm not sure if it was a sign that I should seek for help from expert or if it was just another game these satans are playing on me.

The cronology of this particular dream of mine came to a fight, I cannot think of whats gonna happen next when I dream again. It felt real. It seemed real.

Why do you keep appearing as you like??!

I need answers.

.Goodbye Chris Evans.

Today was suppose to be a trip to Marina Bay, Singapore to meet up with Chris Evans but VERY VERY UNFORTUNATE that the kids are still passport less, so yea, ended up :

1. Having late lunch at Hijo, BBU.
2. Chopping off thorny branches with a kitchen knife. -.-. Got my neighbour laughing at me and scars on my hands. Ive always wanted to chop those fucking branches for so long!!!!

And that was my day. Fuh.

Now to watch video of Chris Evans at Singapore. Goodnight.

Assalamualaikum . .

.FUCK THIS.

Today was a bad mouth fight with Noni that ended up with her took off out of the house.

It wasnt any of my intention but i had an exhausting day with aching all over my body and she just happened to pull out words at the bad time and i slipped my inner hell on her worst day.

Im very sorry. And yes, I did apologize and got her back home. Alhamdulillah.

Honestly, there is just so much anger contained in me that it most of the time makes the button extra sensitive.

How dad always misjudge me and punish me infront of the other siblings somehow makes them disrespect me. He always makes it obvious to others that I am the black sheep and makes me the example of how black sheep should be treated. And this is how they treat me. Its so sickening how dad sets their mind. He doesnt notice this cause he's busy satisfying himself by punishing people. I really hate how he thinks he is GOD and how he thinks he is ALWAYS RIGHT! IT TOOK TOLL ON MY MARRIAGE! And Im the one being hated!!!p

I CANT CRY CAUSE ITS PATHETIC!!! AND I CANT SCREAM CAUSE HES NOT LISTENING!!!! AND I CANT KILL MYSELF CAUSE I DONT WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO RAISE AND MISTREAT MY KIDS!!!! AND I CANT GET OVER THE PAST!!!!!

SO TELL ME WHO I SHOULD POINT THIS BLAMING FINGER AT???!!!!

FUCK THIS!

.Working Table.

Alhamdulillah!!

Thank you uncle Muttu (neighbour) for helping with the shifting..

Finally I got the working table that I wanted! And I have been admiring it for a while now!!!

Its a little used but not abused.. And I cannot wait to redecorate it.. Unfortunate that I dont have the tool to refurbish it.. But the condition is not that bad at all..

Will post before and after image soon..

.Typical Orang Kg Melayu.

Truth is, its not that I dont like you. But I hate you. Like seriously fucking hate you.

You wear head gear. You preach about all the good things on your IG. You preach about being a better person or how everyone should be as good as alim as you. And yet, have you looked at yourself in the mirror?? You full of bullshit I can tell you that!

You talk about people. You make them look bad. You exaggerate about people in the middle of someone's conversation. And you talk about being a saint but you cant even pull it off without your masks off!!

Haih tlg la.... You dont have to say or explain. From the looks and the words you wrote on your virtual walls, I can tell you've talked shit about me with your family and friends.

LOW!

Just so you know, org mcm ko ni la yg aku menyampah nk layan.

SO FUCK IT!

.Half of The Story.

When I first became a mum, it wasnt easy. Specially when Abg cried most of his infant days. And my anger was still uncontrollable and unmanageable.

I would scream at him when he refuses to sleep :'(.. I only cared about myself. I would put him on the cot and deafened myself pretending he wasnt there. But when his cries got too loud to be ignored, I yelled at him til he was quite for a while and then fell asleep. I would curse, cry, begged for him to sleep. When I cry during my doa, Abg would be in silence. It was like he knew I was tired and I needed the rest. But it wasnt like this everyday.

There wasnt a day go by that I would imagine throwing him on the walls so that he would shut up. Or put a pillow on his face and suffocate him to death I imagine blood spattered everywhere. Let me tell you something, everytime I cursed and yelled at him, he would look at me with fear. Those feared eyes of his reminded me of how I looked at dad. I dont want him to go through the same thing I did. I want my kids to be open with me. No matter the situation.

My daily fear was being left alone with Abg. I was afraid of hurting him. But Alhamdulillah, til this day I managed to control my actions, but fail to control my words and tone.

When I cant control Abg's cries, I would mock the satans for disturbing my baby. Why? Cause most of the time Abg would look at one specific place or corner and cry hysterically. I would go to that spot, point my middle finger and tell whatever is there, to fuck off and find else where to show off them ugly bitching faces!! And abg would be calm again.

I recorded most of abg's infant days so that I can watch it back and know which part of me that needs fixing so that it wont effect mother son relationship. Those days were horrible. I regretted every word.

Abg still cries now. But he's almost 3 years old and I've learned to appreciate him most. And he is a fast learner and very understanding. When he sees me crying, he would hug me and gently tap my back :').

Now, Every time he sleeps, I would not miss my chance to kiss him and whisper to him how much I love him and his baby sister and how sorry I am for mistreating him when he was a baby. I try not to yell at him when he makes mistakes. Yes sometimes it slips but I never delay my apologies.

Abg never got the chance to breastfeed as long as adik. His only lasted for 2 month after finding out I was pregnant with Adra. I dont want him to feel and be distance from me. Cause I'm the eldest, like him, I took alot of beating growing up. I dont want him to go through most the beating the way I did. And I dont want Adra to disrespect him as the eldest like how my siblings are towards me. It hurts. And it brings you down and thickens your walls and raises your guard. Even to families.

Adra on the other hand is less hassle. Grows up beautifully Alhamdulillah . . And I will make sure Abg takes good care of her. She is feisty but she is gonna need it growing up in a selfish society.

I learned alot growing up just by observing how the family behaves towards one another. I just hope it doesnt overshadows my way of disciplining and building my own family.

.There's Nothing Left.

I just wanted a perfect work station for me to be alone and have some time to myself..

Look at me.

I've already missed my chance to study what I wanted.
Lost the job I loved before marriage because my parents interfered with my life.
Tore my dreams to pieces cause you never gave full support.

What else do you want destroyed? Theres nothing left da.

I already down. Broken. Mad. Frustrated. Disappointed. Heartbroken. And everything!

I need a workstation so that I can keep my brain going and working. Not rusting, dumb and malfunctioned!

* I honestly feel so dumb being a housewife but I'm never letting anyone look and care after my kids. Not after what happened to me. *

.Things To Buy.

Things To Buy:

1. Glass Cupboard : RM400
2. Sofa Bed : RM400
3. Kids Cube Closet : RM300
4. EPSON L365 / L455 Printer : RM750
5. Office Chair : RM60

Ok. So I'm gonna have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with Mr. Hubby and get his permission to buy these things SPECIALLY NO.4!

.Messed Up.

Its been a week of exhaustion . .

The only time I get to sleep is between hour 8am to 9.30am amd 5pm to 6.30pm . . As for the rest of the hour, I am either wide awake or a walking zombie !

No sleep at all !!! Even during midnight til morning . Penat !

Losing appetite . Losing sleep . Losing energy . The kids have completely turned my days upside down . Smpai mood nk masak pn da xde !!!!!!!!!!

Ble nk tdo je budak2 nages . Ble nk rehat je budak2 gadoh . Ble nk buat keje rumah ke budak2 mntk buat hal . Ble nk masak je adra mntk dukung !!!! Sakit kepala ! Im already stressed out cause abg only eats rice 1 spoon a day (IF IM LUCKY!!) .

HE DOESNT EAT ANYTHING OTHER THAN MILK! I HAVE TO FORCE HIM TO EAT! IT WORRIES ME!!!!!! I WANT HIM TO BE HEALTHY! ALLAH HAIII .

Im gonna have a long break on Sahey's day off ! I am gonna make sure of it !!!

.EPSON L455 For Me, Anyone?.

I FINALLY GOT RID OF THE FUCKING HP PRINTER!!! NO GOOD BRAND!!! I OWNED AN HP LAPTOP AND PRINTER BEFORE AND BOTH SUCKED!!!!!!!!!

So who wants to buy an EPSON L455 printer?? :D ! For free that is . . Hehehe . .

I am desprate for a printer !!!!

. #teamcap .

ARE YOU SEEING THIS???!

.Soulful. Strong.

I had a dream last night .. But my dream was nothing but pitch black . And there was a music playing in the background .

It was soulful and had this strong tune to it . I felt so calm and in control after so long ..

Not sure what it meant though .

Gahhh! If only I knew what song it was . That drum beat was just right .

.Back and Running.

Alhamdulillah . . Note 8 is back and running . .

Installed games and pre-k learning app . . Looks like abg will be using this Note 8 but I'll make sure there's a schedule to it :) . .

Should I or should I not buy OTG cause the memory slot is broken and Ah Hong cant repair it at the moment . .