.It's Torture.

Today it rained.

I was sitting at the front door and just watched it rained. I was hoping to see Ayah at the gate. Trying to manipulate my head.

Its torture living here.

Back at JB, I would only be reminded of Ayah atleast once a week. Sometimes I completely forgot that Ayah has passed away. But here, its different. Reality hits like shit and everyday I'm just thinking of Ayah. So you can imagine the mood Im facing everyday.

If my friend who's father has passed for so many years, and still she has not gotten over the passing, I can't imagine how long it's gonna take me to get over Ayah's passing. 

Its driving me nuts inside. Specially with Sahey not around. I'm starting to forget what its like to have a husband around. The 2 important men in my life are not around. :(.

.Happy 62th Birthday, Ayah.

 

Selamat Hari Lahir, Ayah..

I know someday I'm gonna have to erase this date from my life cause I can't handle going through memories with you every time your birthday comes. Specially knowing that I haven't spend that much time with you.

Thank you Ayah.. For everything you've given me, for fighting for me when others badmouthed me, for loving me, for not judging me when Im at my worst. For everything..

I've misjudged you.

Maafkan Dira... 

Love you so much Ayah :')..

.Sinovac, 1st Dose.

Alhamdulillah, got my 1st dose of Sinovac.

Just praying Allah flushes out anything that is Haram inside the vaccine that is now inside my body.

So from here now on, tawakal. Semoga whatever that is not good about this vaccine, Allah turns it to cure. Aamiin.. 

Next 2nd dose will be on the 2nd of September. 

Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan aku and my kids to be united back with my husband. Aamiin.

Got mine walk-in at IDCC, Shah Alam.

Lambat sangat nk tggu comfirmation from MySejahtera.

.Angry Ayah.

All I remember was we were on our way back home from Port Dickson with Mak Uji and her kids.

Me and the siblings had a fight before that. And on our way back, Ayah burst his angers because we were fighting over hotel rooms infront of Mak Uji and her sons.

I dont care what the dream was about. But it was nice seeing Ayah.. Thank you for reminding me that a civil war is not worth anything.

.Anti-Vac, That's Me.

Assalamualaikum.

Sebenarnye this month, my budget is a little tight tp sempat menyempat lagi beli yoga pants and skipping rope online. 

I'll be honest that I'm one of those anti-vac. But how this stupid government ties religion and family to this stupid vaccine, is just unbelievable! Ko jawab la nanti kt akhirat! Now I'm hoping to get vaccinated as soon as possible so that the whole family can cross to Johor Bahru to see Sahey. It's not like I have any other option. 

I can now just pray that Allah swt grant what is best for me and my family.

I'm traumatized staying back in that house. And since Johor and Selangor is still in Phase 1, I can only see by the end of Sahey's stay in JB, either we move out and into a new house or I head back to Subang. And if Subang is a fail, then Sahey better find a job in JB!

I asked my little sister to see if the doctor's at SJMC could take me in for vaccination. Hopefully its a go. Easier and nearer to me.

.Full House.

Today I babysit my little sister's kids.. So its a fullhouse by 2pm..

It was nice to see everyone here :)..

Esok In syaa Allah, fullhouse again..

I love you, Ayah..

We all love you :).. 

.14h August. 29th September.

 Ibu saw me still on Shopee since few days ago.

Ibu: Dira cari ape..?
Me: Cari Diary 2022 bu..
Ibu: Ai, baru August da cari 2022 da?
Me: Hehe, Dira mmg suka cari awal.. August pn, tau2 da December nnt..

What I meant to say was, 

"August pn, tau2, jp g birthday Ayah, tau2, da setahun Ayah pergi."

But I can't cause I know it'll make Ibu sedey.

I don't know how ready everyone is to face 14th August and 29th September. I know I'm not.

Nk pergi kubur pun x bole.. Rasa mcm nk peluk Ayah.. 

Semoga Allah cucuri Rahmat atas roh Ayah dan semoga Allah swt sentiasa ampunkan dosa2 Ayah, muliakan kedatangan Ayah di kalangan orang2 beriman dan berkati semua ibadah, amalan Ayah semasa hidup. Aamiin..

You're very much missed and loved by us all Ayah..

Muah! :')..

.It's Like You're Still Alive, Ayah.

This coming August is Ayah's birthday.

This coming September marks the first year of Ayah's passing.

I'll be honest, I still haven't moved on.

It's already been a month of staying here in Subang.

Every morning. EVERY, morning, I would sit in front and imagine Ayah parking his Camry outside after his morning rounds, getting out of the car and dragging his legs inside. 

And then he would ask, "Waaa, wangi nye masak apa tu.. Bukak kedai nk?"

It's tiring. 

It's tiring but I can't get my mind to stop the loop.

It hurts cause I'm putting so much effort to hold these tears when I know, it's not gonna work.

They'll burst anyways.

It's like torture trying to sleep at night.

Ibu gave me her room to sleep cause I have a big family and she said her room was too big for her.

Every night I would picture Ayah doing his writing on this bed and with his tired face, he would put his glasses down and sleep on his arm.

And then there's his working table.

That big table where he spends most of his life writing and finding inspiration on his laptop.

I hate that its next to the dining table. 

I can still see his focused face, doing his research, doing his work and then suddenly BAM, the printer gets a full beating from him for being too slow in printing.

Everything about me is inactive, unproductive, useless but the one place in me that never sleeps, that's my mind. My whole life is inside it.

When Ayah left us all, those memories of him that I buried deep while he was alive (mainly because we were never that close, but we both changed and tried to patch things up but time was never on our side), suddenly rose from the dead. So when he died, his memories lived like nobody's business. It scares me but at the same time, its like having more time with him only I know its just inside my head.

Enough.

Assalamualaikum.

.Groped By A Monster.

Few days ago, I had a disturbing dream.

I was in a room of a tall building with my sister Bella, 2 men and a mother with her toddler.

Me, Bella and another man were praying when suddenly, out of nowhere, appeared a furious half man, half monster-"thing", so huge. He lifted the man in front of us by his neck and took a deep look into his eyes. And then the monster threw him out the window!! The sound of shattered glass sounded so real I swear I wish I could run but the 3 of us didn't stop praying.

And then, and then he charged towards us 3! He looked at my sister. And then moved on to me. AND THEN! HE GROPED MY FUCKING BOOBS WHILE MAKING AN ANNOYING GROWL OF HIS!!! LIKE WTF!!! At that time, I was so scared he would throw me out the window like that previous guy! But fortunate for me, another normal guy appeared out of nowhere and saved me.

He fought the monster and threw the monster out the window. Few minutes later, the monster gang arrived to have me killed. The guy told me to run and get out of there. And so I did. I don't remember what happened next.

But what I remember is that the guy who saved me, was the same guy that has been saving me in almost all of my troubled dreams. Who the fuck is he???

.The Lady In White.

I never felt so scared being in a dream before.

I spent an overnight at a wooden chalet with another girl. About teenage, and I kept calling her Adra eventhough she doesn't look anything like Adra.

Before Maghrib, the housekeeping came to our room and said she will be closing all doors and windows very soon. She warned that no matter what you hear, no matter what happens, do not open your eyes, do not get out of the room, do not move, do not scream. Just close your eyes and do nothing until Subuh.

I managed to see my view through the window. It wasn't a pleasant one. There was an old eerie wooden house right across the fence. I saw a lady in white staring at me.

Maghrib came. Doors and windows shut tight.

My heart was calm for a while.

Strike midnight, I had goosebumps. Heart beating like crazy.

Outside, I heard footsteps. Slow.

Then I heard scratches.

At my door, it stopped.

Tiba I felt someone touching my feet.

Ai......

I dont remember berzikir in my dreams before, so I think this is the first time aku zikir and selawat sepanjang malam smpai la ke Subuh! IT FELT FOREVER TO END SPECIALLY FEELING THE PRESENT OF PARANORMAL SHIT AND ALL! Don't know why but I had a feeling that it's that bitch in white.

Right before Subuh,

2 "jin" gemok entered my room. Dont ask me how I knew they were jins. Maybe it's their voice (deep and echoey), or their appearance. I dont know. It just felt like jin.

Anyways, both came in. Jin 1 went towards the bed beside mine (tah ble masa ade katil ni pn aku xtau la). There were 2 people sleeping. And Jin 2 went to my bed.

And the conversation went like this.

Jin 1: ANGKT BUDAK2 NI (refering to the 2 people sleeping next to my bed). YG NI BIA KN. DIE TGH ZIKIR (Refering to me).

Jin 2: BUDAK NI MCM MANE (Refering to that teenage Adra sleeping beside me)?

Jin 1: YG NI PN JGN USIK. DIE DTG DGN PMPN NI. BIA KN DIE.

KAU TAU X TAHAP DEBAR AKU TME NI MMG XLE BAWAK BINCANG! AKU TGGU NK LARI KUA DR MIMPI!

Lepas je Subuh, AKU CABUT dgn baju tdo aku!

I ran. I ran as fast as I could.

The ocean. There was no one but clear blue ocean.

Next I remember, I crawled out from a muddy pool, covered in mud, and naked. There were other kids there playing mud as well. Like hippos and pigs in mud. Suddenly everyone had their eyes on me. I quickly grabbed my clothings and wore em as I run.

And then I ended up at a familiar road. That road heading to Melaka (nape eh me and this same Melaka and Terengganu road!).

Only this time, it was different. Different cause I got attacked by a deer or antelope, I dont know, but it had long sharp HORNS you DONT WANNA get impaled with!

And lucky me, there was a chair, so I had the chair on his horns -.-".

And then my dream ended before I reached elsewhere.