.Anti-Vac, That's Me.

Assalamualaikum.

Sebenarnye this month, my budget is a little tight tp sempat menyempat lagi beli yoga pants and skipping rope online. 

I'll be honest that I'm one of those anti-vac. But how this stupid government ties religion and family to this stupid vaccine, is just unbelievable! Ko jawab la nanti kt akhirat! Now I'm hoping to get vaccinated as soon as possible so that the whole family can cross to Johor Bahru to see Sahey. It's not like I have any other option. 

I can now just pray that Allah swt grant what is best for me and my family.

I'm traumatized staying back in that house. And since Johor and Selangor is still in Phase 1, I can only see by the end of Sahey's stay in JB, either we move out and into a new house or I head back to Subang. And if Subang is a fail, then Sahey better find a job in JB!

I asked my little sister to see if the doctor's at SJMC could take me in for vaccination. Hopefully its a go. Easier and nearer to me.

.Full House.

Today I babysit my little sister's kids.. So its a fullhouse by 2pm..

It was nice to see everyone here :)..

Esok In syaa Allah, fullhouse again..

I love you, Ayah..

We all love you :).. 

.14h August. 29th September.

 Ibu saw me still on Shopee since few days ago.

Ibu: Dira cari ape..?
Me: Cari Diary 2022 bu..
Ibu: Ai, baru August da cari 2022 da?
Me: Hehe, Dira mmg suka cari awal.. August pn, tau2 da December nnt..

What I meant to say was, 

"August pn, tau2, jp g birthday Ayah, tau2, da setahun Ayah pergi."

But I can't cause I know it'll make Ibu sedey.

I don't know how ready everyone is to face 14th August and 29th September. I know I'm not.

Nk pergi kubur pun x bole.. Rasa mcm nk peluk Ayah.. 

Semoga Allah cucuri Rahmat atas roh Ayah dan semoga Allah swt sentiasa ampunkan dosa2 Ayah, muliakan kedatangan Ayah di kalangan orang2 beriman dan berkati semua ibadah, amalan Ayah semasa hidup. Aamiin..

You're very much missed and loved by us all Ayah..

Muah! :')..

.It's Like You're Still Alive, Ayah.

This coming August is Ayah's birthday.

This coming September marks the first year of Ayah's passing.

I'll be honest, I still haven't moved on.

It's already been a month of staying here in Subang.

Every morning. EVERY, morning, I would sit in front and imagine Ayah parking his Camry outside after his morning rounds, getting out of the car and dragging his legs inside. 

And then he would ask, "Waaa, wangi nye masak apa tu.. Bukak kedai nk?"

It's tiring. 

It's tiring but I can't get my mind to stop the loop.

It hurts cause I'm putting so much effort to hold these tears when I know, it's not gonna work.

They'll burst anyways.

It's like torture trying to sleep at night.

Ibu gave me her room to sleep cause I have a big family and she said her room was too big for her.

Every night I would picture Ayah doing his writing on this bed and with his tired face, he would put his glasses down and sleep on his arm.

And then there's his working table.

That big table where he spends most of his life writing and finding inspiration on his laptop.

I hate that its next to the dining table. 

I can still see his focused face, doing his research, doing his work and then suddenly BAM, the printer gets a full beating from him for being too slow in printing.

Everything about me is inactive, unproductive, useless but the one place in me that never sleeps, that's my mind. My whole life is inside it.

When Ayah left us all, those memories of him that I buried deep while he was alive (mainly because we were never that close, but we both changed and tried to patch things up but time was never on our side), suddenly rose from the dead. So when he died, his memories lived like nobody's business. It scares me but at the same time, its like having more time with him only I know its just inside my head.

Enough.

Assalamualaikum.

.Groped By A Monster.

Few days ago, I had a disturbing dream.

I was in a room of a tall building with my sister Bella, 2 men and a mother with her toddler.

Me, Bella and another man were praying when suddenly, out of nowhere, appeared a furious half man, half monster-"thing", so huge. He lifted the man in front of us by his neck and took a deep look into his eyes. And then the monster threw him out the window!! The sound of shattered glass sounded so real I swear I wish I could run but the 3 of us didn't stop praying.

And then, and then he charged towards us 3! He looked at my sister. And then moved on to me. AND THEN! HE GROPED MY FUCKING BOOBS WHILE MAKING AN ANNOYING GROWL OF HIS!!! LIKE WTF!!! At that time, I was so scared he would throw me out the window like that previous guy! But fortunate for me, another normal guy appeared out of nowhere and saved me.

He fought the monster and threw the monster out the window. Few minutes later, the monster gang arrived to have me killed. The guy told me to run and get out of there. And so I did. I don't remember what happened next.

But what I remember is that the guy who saved me, was the same guy that has been saving me in almost all of my troubled dreams. Who the fuck is he???

.The Lady In White.

I never felt so scared being in a dream before.

I spent an overnight at a wooden chalet with another girl. About teenage, and I kept calling her Adra eventhough she doesn't look anything like Adra.

Before Maghrib, the housekeeping came to our room and said she will be closing all doors and windows very soon. She warned that no matter what you hear, no matter what happens, do not open your eyes, do not get out of the room, do not move, do not scream. Just close your eyes and do nothing until Subuh.

I managed to see my view through the window. It wasn't a pleasant one. There was an old eerie wooden house right across the fence. I saw a lady in white staring at me.

Maghrib came. Doors and windows shut tight.

My heart was calm for a while.

Strike midnight, I had goosebumps. Heart beating like crazy.

Outside, I heard footsteps. Slow.

Then I heard scratches.

At my door, it stopped.

Tiba I felt someone touching my feet.

Ai......

I dont remember berzikir in my dreams before, so I think this is the first time aku zikir and selawat sepanjang malam smpai la ke Subuh! IT FELT FOREVER TO END SPECIALLY FEELING THE PRESENT OF PARANORMAL SHIT AND ALL! Don't know why but I had a feeling that it's that bitch in white.

Right before Subuh,

2 "jin" gemok entered my room. Dont ask me how I knew they were jins. Maybe it's their voice (deep and echoey), or their appearance. I dont know. It just felt like jin.

Anyways, both came in. Jin 1 went towards the bed beside mine (tah ble masa ade katil ni pn aku xtau la). There were 2 people sleeping. And Jin 2 went to my bed.

And the conversation went like this.

Jin 1: ANGKT BUDAK2 NI (refering to the 2 people sleeping next to my bed). YG NI BIA KN. DIE TGH ZIKIR (Refering to me).

Jin 2: BUDAK NI MCM MANE (Refering to that teenage Adra sleeping beside me)?

Jin 1: YG NI PN JGN USIK. DIE DTG DGN PMPN NI. BIA KN DIE.

KAU TAU X TAHAP DEBAR AKU TME NI MMG XLE BAWAK BINCANG! AKU TGGU NK LARI KUA DR MIMPI!

Lepas je Subuh, AKU CABUT dgn baju tdo aku!

I ran. I ran as fast as I could.

The ocean. There was no one but clear blue ocean.

Next I remember, I crawled out from a muddy pool, covered in mud, and naked. There were other kids there playing mud as well. Like hippos and pigs in mud. Suddenly everyone had their eyes on me. I quickly grabbed my clothings and wore em as I run.

And then I ended up at a familiar road. That road heading to Melaka (nape eh me and this same Melaka and Terengganu road!).

Only this time, it was different. Different cause I got attacked by a deer or antelope, I dont know, but it had long sharp HORNS you DONT WANNA get impaled with!

And lucky me, there was a chair, so I had the chair on his horns -.-".

And then my dream ended before I reached elsewhere.

.The Same Melaka Route.

I was on my way to Nenek Krubong's house at Melaka.

I was riding a bike. One hand steering the handle and the other one gripping Ammar's both ankle. Hanging him upside down while riding :(.

I know I have went down this same route before cause I have dreamt of it before.

Down the hill, pass the dark forest, the villagers, the grave and the river. And there was Nenek's house.

It was Nenek's big old wooden house. There was a women in white standing on the stairs of the front porch. Just watching me from far.

.School Trip, College Photos.

What a strange one.

I dreamt that I went to a school trip with my school friends. There was Fatin, Sharmiza, Faiz, EeLynn, Rachel, Michelle, the plastic Fatin and others.

Then after few tours, we all went back to the hotel. Funny thing, it was suddenly night time and we were all sleeping. I dont recognize these 2 girls sleeping in the same bed with me. Suddenly a tall man came into the room. He said he wanted to hurt us, and then he said he was kidding. He came in to give me somthing. And then, a little boy with the most sinister face entered the room. He handed to me a present with a grin. He said it was a present that Faiz made for me from the whole class. Open it in the morning.

Morning came and while packing for check out, I unwrapped the present and to my surprise, it was an album with everyone's signature and goodbye words. Turns out I was gonna depart from school to elsewhere.

And to my surprise, there were all pictures of me and my college friends, Lily, Ziela and Nisa. To be more specific, most of the pictures were from the time we spent the night at Port Dickson. Only these pictures were pictures that caught all 4 of us in it, joking around, by the beach, in the room, watching tv and all. So who snapped these photos? I was touched by the words, but who stalked us? And why pictures of college friends when I was with school mates?

While I was busy admiring the photos, I didnt realize the schoolbus left me there at the hotel. I couldn't call anyone cause there was no line. And while I was waiting for someone to pick up the phone, I was observing my surroundings cause it looked so familiar. That's when I realized, it was at my Nenek Krubong's house. An Indian lady came and asked why am I here? She was making fun of me getting left behind with another Malay lady.

And then everything ended.

.Time Travel.

I couldn't remember much detail of last night's dream but it was about time travel with the mission to retrieve an object and kill whoever gets in my way.

I remember someone holding a snake's head to my face. And then I saw someone sleeping with snakes all over his body. It was the most horrifying scene!

Every time I time travel back to the same time, it was always a different face that I had to kill but the same thing to retrieve, and the same place to meet with another being. In front of a big Gateway that looked more like a portal, at the edge of a cliff surrounded by clouds and mists.

Everything was just black grey and white. Not much colour to it.

I had 2 backups, familiar face but cant remember who.

And thats about all I can remember.

.The Same Terengganu Route.

 It was the same route to Terengganu. In my dreams though. The same sea level as the road. The same ocean waves. The same curbs. The same hurricane. The same highway.