.Rentas Negeri/Negara.

Are you seeing this?

Just a day before my birthday. 

Alhamdulillah.

.Psychologist.

Yesterday I booked an appointment to see a psychologist. Today, I almost cancelled that appointment.

They made me answered questions. 

Dr. Ateff said I had major level amount of stress and anxiety in me.

He said it showed in my eyes.

Then he moved on to asking a little bit about myself and my background.

I tried to express and let myself open but it was hard. I cried. He said Im having panic attack (not sure what he meant by that), and then we started the ice breaking session again.

I knew it was a bad idea. 

I'm still not ready to talk or trust.

He said when I get back home, make a list of the cause of my worries/anxieties, the effects, the solution I made/took and the aftermath whether is was useful or not useful.

Then there's the proper breathing technique he showed and the lowering my expectations. You reach for the stars but always remember that its ok if I land back somewhere on the ground.

I'm exhausted.

.Random Stuff.

 Fuh, I ALMOST pre-ordered myself a Samsung Galaxy Flip3 until that Youtube review ruined the excitement XD!

Now I'm itching to buy Samsung Galaxy S21 after that Youtuber poisoned me with the comparison and all.

But I'm still in love with this Note10 Plus my husband bought for me *smiley with hearts*. Thank you Yeobo, I love you :-*..

Oh and another not-so-surprising news. Afiq quit his work after only giving it a 3 day try. Badan sakit la, jatuh la, apa la. Mls nk dengar when I've wasted my energy reminding him about health and yada yada yada. Which he never bothered to listen. 

I ordered a purse like case. Senang, next time don't need to carry my phone and my beautiful big wallet around anymore.

.Until You've Realized It.

Kids will be kids.

They'll ruin that element of surprise you've been planning, they kick your sisters kids, they'll cry for sympathy cause they know they're not strong enough to fight you, they'll rebel to tell you you've embarrassed them, they'll try to seek refuge from other adults, and all those things that pisses you off.

Nothing annoys me more than kids trying to show who's the boss.

But you know, its those small things that softens my anger.

Moves like small knocks on the door "maklong, saya panas.. Bole x sy masuk..", that small scratch on the neck and back cause it itches, the fear in that innocent eyes telling me that Im scaring them, small approaches hoping Id understand its an apology, even that sting of small pinch on my hand telling me that they have feelings too.

And if that doesn't work, its as simple as walking away and not making eye contact until you realize they're just kids, and that you're not being rasional.

.Happy Birthday, Muhammad Afiq Rosli.

 Assalamualaikum,

Today is Afiq's birthday. I really want to celebrate his birthday today but don't have enough money to celebrate and buy a present for him, at the same time. So I decided to buy his presents and celebrate next week with Billa and family around.

Alhamdulillah, manage to find a seller to COD at Subang Jaya for Deadpool Wallet and Cap :). Its not much from me but I hope he uses it well.

Reminder:
I owe Ammie RM50..

My prayers for my little brother Muhammad Afiq Rosli,
Semoga sentiasa dimurahkan rezeki, sentiasa jg amalan dunia akhirat, dan tidak terlalu taksub ngan dunia filem.. Aamiin :D.

.Mixed Dream.

 I had mixed dreams last night.

Can't remember much but I remember going through quarantine week with Sahey at an old resort. It was like a kampung house. Very old and dirty and spooky. We wanted to check out of that place but we couldn't, and I can't recall why.

Before that I had a dream about a baby. And that's about all I remembered.

Before the baby dream, there were few more dreams that I can't recall at all. But one of it got me up at 2am.

.It's Torture.

Today it rained.

I was sitting at the front door and just watched it rained. I was hoping to see Ayah at the gate. Trying to manipulate my head.

Its torture living here.

Back at JB, I would only be reminded of Ayah atleast once a week. Sometimes I completely forgot that Ayah has passed away. But here, its different. Reality hits like shit and everyday I'm just thinking of Ayah. So you can imagine the mood Im facing everyday.

If my friend who's father has passed for so many years, and still she has not gotten over the passing, I can't imagine how long it's gonna take me to get over Ayah's passing. 

Its driving me nuts inside. Specially with Sahey not around. I'm starting to forget what its like to have a husband around. The 2 important men in my life are not around. :(.

.Happy 62th Birthday, Ayah.

 

Selamat Hari Lahir, Ayah..

I know someday I'm gonna have to erase this date from my life cause I can't handle going through memories with you every time your birthday comes. Specially knowing that I haven't spend that much time with you.

Thank you Ayah.. For everything you've given me, for fighting for me when others badmouthed me, for loving me, for not judging me when Im at my worst. For everything..

I've misjudged you.

Maafkan Dira... 

Love you so much Ayah :')..

.Sinovac, 1st Dose.

Alhamdulillah, got my 1st dose of Sinovac.

Just praying Allah flushes out anything that is Haram inside the vaccine that is now inside my body.

So from here now on, tawakal. Semoga whatever that is not good about this vaccine, Allah turns it to cure. Aamiin.. 

Next 2nd dose will be on the 2nd of September. 

Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan aku and my kids to be united back with my husband. Aamiin.

Got mine walk-in at IDCC, Shah Alam.

Lambat sangat nk tggu comfirmation from MySejahtera.

.Angry Ayah.

All I remember was we were on our way back home from Port Dickson with Mak Uji and her kids.

Me and the siblings had a fight before that. And on our way back, Ayah burst his angers because we were fighting over hotel rooms infront of Mak Uji and her sons.

I dont care what the dream was about. But it was nice seeing Ayah.. Thank you for reminding me that a civil war is not worth anything.

.Anti-Vac, That's Me.

Assalamualaikum.

Sebenarnye this month, my budget is a little tight tp sempat menyempat lagi beli yoga pants and skipping rope online. 

I'll be honest that I'm one of those anti-vac. But how this stupid government ties religion and family to this stupid vaccine, is just unbelievable! Ko jawab la nanti kt akhirat! Now I'm hoping to get vaccinated as soon as possible so that the whole family can cross to Johor Bahru to see Sahey. It's not like I have any other option. 

I can now just pray that Allah swt grant what is best for me and my family.

I'm traumatized staying back in that house. And since Johor and Selangor is still in Phase 1, I can only see by the end of Sahey's stay in JB, either we move out and into a new house or I head back to Subang. And if Subang is a fail, then Sahey better find a job in JB!

I asked my little sister to see if the doctor's at SJMC could take me in for vaccination. Hopefully its a go. Easier and nearer to me.

.Full House.

Today I babysit my little sister's kids.. So its a fullhouse by 2pm..

It was nice to see everyone here :)..

Esok In syaa Allah, fullhouse again..

I love you, Ayah..

We all love you :).. 

.14h August. 29th September.

 Ibu saw me still on Shopee since few days ago.

Ibu: Dira cari ape..?
Me: Cari Diary 2022 bu..
Ibu: Ai, baru August da cari 2022 da?
Me: Hehe, Dira mmg suka cari awal.. August pn, tau2 da December nnt..

What I meant to say was, 

"August pn, tau2, jp g birthday Ayah, tau2, da setahun Ayah pergi."

But I can't cause I know it'll make Ibu sedey.

I don't know how ready everyone is to face 14th August and 29th September. I know I'm not.

Nk pergi kubur pun x bole.. Rasa mcm nk peluk Ayah.. 

Semoga Allah cucuri Rahmat atas roh Ayah dan semoga Allah swt sentiasa ampunkan dosa2 Ayah, muliakan kedatangan Ayah di kalangan orang2 beriman dan berkati semua ibadah, amalan Ayah semasa hidup. Aamiin..

You're very much missed and loved by us all Ayah..

Muah! :')..

.It's Like You're Still Alive, Ayah.

This coming August is Ayah's birthday.

This coming September marks the first year of Ayah's passing.

I'll be honest, I still haven't moved on.

It's already been a month of staying here in Subang.

Every morning. EVERY, morning, I would sit in front and imagine Ayah parking his Camry outside after his morning rounds, getting out of the car and dragging his legs inside. 

And then he would ask, "Waaa, wangi nye masak apa tu.. Bukak kedai nk?"

It's tiring. 

It's tiring but I can't get my mind to stop the loop.

It hurts cause I'm putting so much effort to hold these tears when I know, it's not gonna work.

They'll burst anyways.

It's like torture trying to sleep at night.

Ibu gave me her room to sleep cause I have a big family and she said her room was too big for her.

Every night I would picture Ayah doing his writing on this bed and with his tired face, he would put his glasses down and sleep on his arm.

And then there's his working table.

That big table where he spends most of his life writing and finding inspiration on his laptop.

I hate that its next to the dining table. 

I can still see his focused face, doing his research, doing his work and then suddenly BAM, the printer gets a full beating from him for being too slow in printing.

Everything about me is inactive, unproductive, useless but the one place in me that never sleeps, that's my mind. My whole life is inside it.

When Ayah left us all, those memories of him that I buried deep while he was alive (mainly because we were never that close, but we both changed and tried to patch things up but time was never on our side), suddenly rose from the dead. So when he died, his memories lived like nobody's business. It scares me but at the same time, its like having more time with him only I know its just inside my head.

Enough.

Assalamualaikum.